Suffering

Aug
03

Milestones and Gravestones

I passed a couple of milestones in my life over this past week. I've passed many milestones over the past year. I don't think I like milestones. Some of them hurt. Some hurt a lot.

When my Dad passed away a year ago, everything became a time marker. Each week, each month, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, baseball season. Every occasion took on new meaning and a hint of sadness.

God is good. He really is.

I took my mom and my kids to the gravesite yesterday for the first time. It was one year and one week since Dad joined his Savior. It was hard. His name was so real, engraved in the white marble. It wasn't a dream. I still wish it was.

God is good. He really is.

God's hand is loving, even when it's painful. I can see how every detail was ordained by Him. The timing. The location. The people. Each event surrounding my parents' lives at that moment was part of the puzzle. Only God saw how everything would fit together.

God is good. He really is.

This year has held many tears. It has involved many temptations. Every time something goes wrong or I have a bad day, I remember that my life is also missing someone very special to me. Self-pity rears its ugly head. It isn't pretty.

God is good. He really is.

And, do you know what? Life goes on. And as it goes on, it gets easier. A year ago, I couldn't make it through an hour without breaking down in a puddle of tears. Time helps. God heals.

God is good. He really is.

I'm sure I'll have a few more milestones this year. I know that seeing Dad's name in marble will never be easy. Watching my mom grieve will still break my heart. But joy comes. I know that now.

God is good. He really is.

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May
25

Blessings

Shoes are piled by the door.
The television needs dusted.
Dinner dishes are in the sink.
Piles of dirty clothes are waiting to be washed.
Wet towels are littering the bathroom floor.
The kids' toys and books need picked up and put away.
And the alarm pulled me out of my cozy bed all too early in this morning.

I am blessed beyond measure. I am blessed in ways I do not deserve....and rarely appreciate.

My family has piles of shoes and the luxury of clothes. Lots of them. My house is full of possessions that I have the privilege of dusting and organizing and complaining about when they're left on the floor. My sink has running water-hot running water- that I can use to wash the dishes that held food. Food that I didn't have to hunt for under the rubble or accept from generous hands.

While I may sigh when the kids argue today....another mom is longing to hear her sweet baby's voice just one more time.

While I will wish for a moment of rest....a wife a few states away wishes for a house. Wishes for her house that is suddenly a pile of splinters and debris.

While I will, most likely, grumble over minor frustrations....other women will suffer thorough true loss and sorrow. Unimaginable.

Today, I'll do this life of mine all over again. I'll pick up the shoes, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, clean the house, discipline the children. But I hope that I will see all of these chores for what they are: Gifts.

Let us give generously and pray continually. May the God who did not spare His own Son be very near those who are suffering today. You are in our prayers.

Dec
28

Helpless Helpmate

As wives, we are each called to be our husband’s helpmate. I regularly live this out in my home by managing the day-to-day tasks of running a household and caring for our children. But being a helpmate is about much more than making sure we have clean laundry in the closet and food in the fridge. It is about lightening my husband’s load so that he’s free to carry the burden of leading and providing for our family. It often involves being a listening ear, a wise voice, and an encouraging cheerleader. At times I may be a buffer in a difficult relationship, a sounding board for work-related ideas, and an advisor when a situation seems unclear.

But at other times, a seemingly impossible situation will be placed in my husband’s life, and I’ll feel like a very helpless helpmate. Even though I may be my husband’s trusted friend and advisor, there are some burdens I simply cannot carry. Whether the situation is personal, relational, professional, or spiritual, some things must be struggled through. At times like that, I can still be a listening ear, but my words seem to lack the necessary wisdom. The easy answer to the problem at hand doesn’t come so easily, and I may begin to feel a bit hopeless.

It is important for me (and you, too!) to remember that we are not helpless or hopeless. How can I be sure of this when everything around me is so uncertain? Because the God who called me to be a helpmate is neither helpless nor hopeless. Although in my own strength I really am pretty helpless, the cross is a source of grace and hope. Every situation in my husband’s life has been placed there by the loving hand of a sovereign God, and I have been placed at his side by that same loving and sovereign hand. No mistakes. No accidents.

Here are some things to keep in mind when feeling inadequate for the task:

-Pray. Pray about the difficulty. Pray for your husband’s wisdom. Pray before you speak. Pray before you act. Pray without ceasing.

-Carry any burdens you can. You might not be able to fix the particular problem your husband is facing, but you can look for other ways to serve him. Instead of expecting him to remember to take out the trash, pick up the dry cleaning, and call the cable company, take the jobs upon yourself when possible. Give him a few less things to worry about.

-Let your love overlook your husband’s faults. Be understanding if the stressful situation is occupying his mind, requiring his time, or causing him to be easily irritated. Remember that we are all sinners. Shower him with grace and forgiveness.

-Don’t expect your him to be just like you. I like to talk (and talk, and talk, and talk….) about the problems on my mind. My husband, on the other hand, prefers less talking and more thinking. I often have to consciously zip my lips and let him work things out in his own way (no matter how frustrating that might be!).

-Do not be the voice of negativity. Seek to promote healing, not stir the pot. It is so very easy to point out the other person’s faults, bring up how unfairly your husband was treated, or look for the dark cloud behind the silver lining. Don’t feed bitterness. Instead, look for the positives and point your husband’s heart to the cross.

-Love and encourage. Tell your husband that you love and appreciate him. Physically show him that you love and appreciate him. Thank him for all he does to care for your family. Let him know that you are behind him, that you trust him, that you care about him. Avoid criticism and seek to build him up.


“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” I Peter 5:6-7

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Photo credit: martin.roberts32

Aug
12

Not Quite Normal

I don't know that I ever would have described my life as "normal". I'm not completely crazy, but I'm sure that many people would call this homemaking-homeschooling-homeloving mom a bit.....unusual. That's fine with me. Still, I think that most of us have an idea of what "normal life" means for our own unique family. I like normal. Normal is good.

Yet, sometimes "normal" just doesn't exist. Occasionally, we all have "one of those days" when everything falls apart, and you're left trying to stick the pieces back together with the jelly that someone smeared across the kitchen floor (and probably tracked all over the living room rug). At other times, we have entire seasons when "normal" seems to slip through our fingers. A job loss, an ongoing illness, or a bout of morning sickness can take a "normal life" and shake it up. Or, like what I'm experiencing now, the loss of a loved one can turn life upside down. It's tempting to crawl into a hole (or at least back into bed) and try to wish both the trouble and the To Do List away. But, since family life never seems to slow down and wait for "normal" to return, we need to learn how to handle these less-than-ideal situations.

I wish I could say that I have this all figured out. Boy, do I wish I could say that! Instead, I'll simply have to share with you some things I'm learning right now about prioritizing and pressing on in spite of the trials that God brings into our lives:

 

-Guard your heart. When difficulties pour into our lives, it's important to resist self-pity. Even though I have times when I cry or feel downright sad, I know that I need to watch out for feeling sorry for myself. Allowing ourselves to rest, grieve, or take some time off can be necessary. But hiding away or dwelling on our problems rarely makes us feel better. Talk to your husband or a friend if this temptation seems too big to resist.

-Focus on the necessities. I can't do everything right now. I don't want to do everything right now. Some days, I don't want to do anything! Fixing meals, washing dishes, and doing the laundry are three things that must be done. We all need to eat, and if I neglect the dishes or laundry, they'll just keep piling up. On the other hand, life will keep moving just fine if I don't get to the dusting or detail clean the bathrooms. I also try to have the kids help pick up in the living room each evening. This helps make our home feel more peaceful, and that's something we need right now.

-Lighten up. I'm a painfully frugal kind of girl, but I've needed to let that go a little during this time. A rotisserie chicken or take-out pizza might not be usual fare around here, but the few extra dollars spent at the grocery store have bought me some sanity. Simple things like cooking easy meals, using paper plates, and shopping without coupons have helped me save my brain for the other tasks I can't let go.

-Accept help. Everyone knows that no one does things quite like mom, but this isn't the time to remind people of that fact. Be thankful when your husband, your children, or a friend offers to give you a hand. Sure, everything might not be perfect (and it might take you two weeks to find your favorite measuring cup after someone else puts the dishes away!), but you also might learn a valuable lesson in humility.

-Do something. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating: Something is better than nothing. I don't try to get a long list of things done each day, but I try to at least do something. And I often find that if I get moving on something simple like making the bed or loading the dishwasher, I somehow find the energy to do a couple more tasks, too. At the beginning of each day, I also think of one or two things besides the necessities that I'd like to accomplish. By limiting my To Do List, I don't get overwhelmed, but I still get a few things done.

 

I can't say when "normal" will return around here. I'm sure that our old view of "normal" is a thing of the past. But I'm also sure that one day, in God's good and perfect timing, He will bring the peace that comes with getting back to (our new) "normal".

Photo credit: escher

Aug
03

Joyful Sadness

This summer hasn't gone according to plan. There was so much to do, so many places to go, and so much fun to have. But, with Mackenzie being sick much of the time, this summer is quickly turning into "the one that got away". Then, last week, my summer took another unplanned turn. Actually, my life took an unplanned turn. Last Monday night, as I was going to bed, I got the call that I knew would come one day. I just never expected "one day" to arrive. At least not so soon.

Late Monday night, my dad passed away. He joined his Savior and is experiencing the full glory of God. I can't be sad for him. But I am very sad for me and my family. My dad wasn't simply my children's grandpa, he was their friend. And he wasn't simply my father, he was my daddy. I can't begin to measure how much he will be missed. Right now, with all of the travel and service planning, it seems a bit unreal, yet I know that the reality will soon set in for us all.

But I also know that God is good. Sometimes I struggle to believe it, but I know it. And I'm sure my dad knew it, too. He told me often. Now he understands the fullness of what that means. So, while I am experiencing a joyful sadness, he is experiencing nothing but pure Joy. God is good.

Jun
25

Broken Record

It seems like the story never changes around here. "My daughter's sick, I'm plugging along...My daughter's sick, I'm plugging along...My daughter's sick..." You get the picture. I'm beginning to feel like a broken record. But the truth is, I often just feel broken.

After hearing about others who've suffered well for the glory of God, have you ever wondered how you would fare if you were in their situation? I've had a taste of suffering the past few weeks, and I have to tell you: I'm no Job. I wish I could say that I've been full of faith, I've had joy in this trial, and I've rested in the goodness of God. But if I told you that, I'd be a liar as well as a "double-minded man" (James 1:7). Many times this week my faith in God has been shaky, at best. I've cried countless tears, and I've wondered if the "goodness of God" is really so good. That is the truth. It's ugly, but it's the truth.

 

As I've watched my little girl's pain continue off and on (mostly "on") for the last four weeks, my faith has turned to worry, and my worries have turned to fears. The "what if's" have come rushing in, and I've been too overwhelmed to chase them away. What if this keeps going on and on? What if we can't go on vacation? What if this is something really bad? What if this is worse than we ever imagined? What if God doesn't make her better? What if.....? Worries, fears, questions. It's exhausting. It's discouraging. It's downright painful.

Thankfully, some of my concerns were answered this week. The specialist feels confident that her illness isn't any of those things that I'm too scared to even talk about. We've had more tests, and we've decided to eliminate certain foods from her diet, just in case it might help. It's very possible that this has all been caused by a virus that will have to work its way out of her system. Whatever the cause, it's all a waiting game. Wait and hope. Then wait some more.

And what about "hope"? My favorite hymn says, "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness." Those words have come into my mind over and over lately, usually bringing a flood of tears with them. But those tears haven't been because of the comfort of that hymn. They've been because of the reality of my weary, sinful heart. I've said those words and then prayed that they would be true. My hope isn't always built on the "Solid Rock". Sometimes it's built on doctors, medicine, my husband, my own wisdom, other's wisdom. You name it. I'll cling to it.

Then God, in His perfect wisdom, removes the safety net and leaves me with nothing to hold onto. Nothing but Himself. I fight it, I cry, I resist, I question. Then I cry again. But He is steadfast. He is steadfast in His discipline, His mercy, His grace. He doesn't leave me alone, like I think I am. He doesn't turn His face from me, like I deserve. He already did that to Jesus, remember (Matthew 27:46; Mark 15:34)?

Instead, He dries my tears. He offers me His mercies, which are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). And what a blessing that is, because I just never know what tomorrow will bring. Will Mackenzie's pain be a little better, or a little worse? Will I accomplish a lot, or will I be too distracted to get anything done? Will I trust in the Lord, or will I be worried and depressed? I don't know. But God does.

So, I'll trust. I'll believe. I'll hope. Or at least I'll beg Him for the grace to trust, believe, and hope. I'm sure I'll still have my faithless moments (and maybe even some faithless days!). But I'm also sure that my God - the One who sent His Son to this sin-filled world to die in my place, the One whose Spirit is praying on Mackenzie's behalf when I don't have the words, the One who promised to work all things together for good - will draw my heart back to the foot of the cross.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:15-16)

Photo credit: tribalslamdance