"It's just a phase."
I've heard it a hundred times and said it a hundred more. When we're talking about our children, those words are often true. Whether they're toddlers or teenagers, kids go through lots of different phases.
Knowing that the tough issue we're facing with one of our kids is "just a phase" often serves as an encouragement. It's nice to know that this trial is not unique to our child and that it will eventually pass. But if we aren't careful, we can easily misuse the concept of childhood phases, reducing them to inconveniences and missing out on valuable opportunities to train up our children.
The phases our kids slip in and out of are a part of growing up. Sometimes they're physical. Sometimes they're developmental. And, sometimes, they're part of our children's desire to "test the waters" in order to decipher what's right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. Whatever the cause, they always provide a unique opportunity to love and discipline our little ones (or not-so-little ones).
Here's some lessons I've learned over the years....and a few I'm still working on:
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- Don't overlook sin. Don't use the fact that your kid is "just a kid" as an excuse for their sinfulness. When we do that, we're missing a chance to teach the gospel and train their heart, and our child is missing out on learning about what God expects of them and the grace He offers when they fall short.
- Consider the heart. While we don't want to overlook outright sin in our children, we also shouldn't go searching for it where it doesn't exist. There is a difference between a preschooler who doesn't make it to the potty because he was busy playing and one who doesn't make it because he refused to go when he was told. The first one may need a timer set to remind him to take a break every hour or so. The second one may need a different kind of reminder, the kind that communicates that discipline will always follow disobedience.
- Love, love, then love some more. Give hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement even if that "warm fuzzy feeling" doesn't happen to exist in your heart at the moment. The love we show our kiddos when they're waking up six times every night, throwing tantrums over every little thing, or talking back throughout the day isn't the same love we show them when they're being sweet and adorable. It's deeper. It's a love that sees all their faults and chooses to offer forgiveness...mercy...grace. It's Christ-like love.
- Isolate the problem and look for creative solutions. Don't accept that eventually the phase will pass. Do what you can to help it along. Should you only give your food-throwing toddler two bites of dinner at a time? Does your bed-wetting five-year-old need to be taken to the bathroom before you go to bed at night? Does your grumpy ten-year-old suddenly need some extra sleep?
- Change the rules. When each of our children were about four-years-old, they went through a time of telling tall tales that would quickly turn into outright lies. When confronted, their answer was always, "I'm just joking." After we outlawed "joking" for a short time, those lies stopped. It was important for them to understand that lies would not be tolerated. But it was also important for us, as parents, to understand that they needed some help in developing their reasoning skills. With time, they were able to joke around without taking it too far.
-Be careful not to overreact. With love and discipline, the phase really will pass. I promise. Some things just take time. You do not have to wait it out passively, but you do need to wait it out patiently. Keep at it day in and day out. One day you'll suddenly notice that the problem you were so concerned about has gone away. Of course, it's probably been replaced by another issue, but that's all part of parenting.
So how about you? Do you have any tips for getting through the phases that pop up in our kiddos? Tell us about it!
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January 19, 2011 - 10:20 am
This is such helpful advice for me! My children definitely move in and out of “phases” – and, at ages ten and eight, I’m guessing we have plenty more to come! Your advice is so practical; I’m going to bookmark this post so I can read it over and over again!
Have a great day!
January 23, 2011 - 12:17 am
One of the most effective ways my husband and I have found in getting through all those tough phases is to stop spanking. We have two very strong-willed boys and according to the “experts” like James Dobson, we thought we should be spanking them for their willful disobedience. However, we found some solid, Christian teaching elsewhere on why it is not Biblical to spank. We stopped immediately, and the results were shocking. I had no idea how spanking was affecting my boys in such a negative way until we stopped, and we weren’t even doing it that ofen, just a quick swat on the bum every once in awhile. We’ve found postive, more effective ways to teach them and show them how to listen. I no longer have strong-willed boys, in a negative way that is. Their personalities have changed so much since we stopped. My oldest son especially, who is 5, has developed a much stronger bond with me and because of that he listens so much better. What we discovered is that children will listen much better when you cultivate a relationship with them first and foremost, even above their negative behaviour. I’m not saying our boys don’t get disciplined at all. The standard for how they behave is still the same. But instead of spanking them when they disobey (and in sense, following the James Dobson way of child training) we are right alongside them, showing them and helping them obey. Our family has become so much closer and more positive and I think God everyday for the Christian advice we got against spanking.
January 23, 2011 - 2:11 pm
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
January 23, 2011 - 2:12 pm
Glad it was helpful!
February 8, 2011 - 10:16 am
With a 2 & 3 year old, sometimes it can be difficult! The “phases” or “seasons” as others have called them can be hard but sometimes doing something different can help. I especially need to be careful not overreact! Something ai can work on!