It seems like the story never changes around here. "My daughter's sick, I'm plugging along...My daughter's sick, I'm plugging along...My daughter's sick..." You get the picture. I'm beginning to feel like a broken record. But the truth is, I often just feel broken.
After hearing about others who've suffered well for the glory of God, have you ever wondered how you would fare if you were in their situation? I've had a taste of suffering the past few weeks, and I have to tell you: I'm no Job. I wish I could say that I've been full of faith, I've had joy in this trial, and I've rested in the goodness of God. But if I told you that, I'd be a liar as well as a "double-minded man" (James 1:7). Many times this week my faith in God has been shaky, at best. I've cried countless tears, and I've wondered if the "goodness of God" is really so good. That is the truth. It's ugly, but it's the truth.
As I've watched my little girl's pain continue off and on (mostly "on") for the last four weeks, my faith has turned to worry, and my worries have turned to fears. The "what if's" have come rushing in, and I've been too overwhelmed to chase them away. What if this keeps going on and on? What if we can't go on vacation? What if this is something really bad? What if this is worse than we ever imagined? What if God doesn't make her better? What if.....? Worries, fears, questions. It's exhausting. It's discouraging. It's downright painful.
Thankfully, some of my concerns were answered this week. The specialist feels confident that her illness isn't any of those things that I'm too scared to even talk about. We've had more tests, and we've decided to eliminate certain foods from her diet, just in case it might help. It's very possible that this has all been caused by a virus that will have to work its way out of her system. Whatever the cause, it's all a waiting game. Wait and hope. Then wait some more.
And what about "hope"? My favorite hymn says, "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness." Those words have come into my mind over and over lately, usually bringing a flood of tears with them. But those tears haven't been because of the comfort of that hymn. They've been because of the reality of my weary, sinful heart. I've said those words and then prayed that they would be true. My hope isn't always built on the "Solid Rock". Sometimes it's built on doctors, medicine, my husband, my own wisdom, other's wisdom. You name it. I'll cling to it.
Then God, in His perfect wisdom, removes the safety net and leaves me with nothing to hold onto. Nothing but Himself. I fight it, I cry, I resist, I question. Then I cry again. But He is steadfast. He is steadfast in His discipline, His mercy, His grace. He doesn't leave me alone, like I think I am. He doesn't turn His face from me, like I deserve. He already did that to Jesus, remember (Matthew 27:46; Mark 15:34)?
Instead, He dries my tears. He offers me His mercies, which are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). And what a blessing that is, because I just never know what tomorrow will bring. Will Mackenzie's pain be a little better, or a little worse? Will I accomplish a lot, or will I be too distracted to get anything done? Will I trust in the Lord, or will I be worried and depressed? I don't know. But God does.
So, I'll trust. I'll believe. I'll hope. Or at least I'll beg Him for the grace to trust, believe, and hope. I'm sure I'll still have my faithless moments (and maybe even some faithless days!). But I'm also sure that my God - the One who sent His Son to this sin-filled world to die in my place, the One whose Spirit is praying on Mackenzie's behalf when I don't have the words, the One who promised to work all things together for good - will draw my heart back to the foot of the cross.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:15-16)
Photo credit: tribalslamdance
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